lately i’ve been seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye. its not a hallucination. its a feeling of being watched. I used to check to make sure there was nothing there but now i just accept that there isn’t or that there is but i cannot see it. I feel like it is myself in some form. Something watching me to make sure that I have not lost myself. That I am still there
i feel the rush to capture it all. Like taking plates or groceries all in one trip. In life its never one trip. you can never see your faults/strengths at the time of their occurrence. Whether or not your hands bleed from the pressure of the plastic bags or whether or not you drop it all in one attempt to make it to the dish pit. It is more important to have done something improperly then to have never done it at all. It doesent have to happen all at once. It doesn’t have to be live or die. Its enough for it to happen at all. I mourn the loss of all the beautiful things I could have done, the person I could have been, the things I could have discovered about myself.
i cannot escape the lions jaw. I can never be free of myself. I want to leave my nervous tics behind me. I want to stop cringing when I shut my eyes. I want to be the person I am in my dreams. The warrior who meets his destiny.
there is neither welcome in the end nor reason to return again. I fear death and I fear the choices that I have made. I fear that they will be my downfall. Whether they are or not I will meet them with a brazen heart and it will all be okay.
It is okay to be this way and this is the only way I can be
